Yesterday was tough.
My baby and I spent the whole day at the hospital for me to do some tests. We left the hospital at 5.30pm, had a pit stop at a mall at 7pm for diaper change and nursing, after being stuck in a standstill traffic for two hours, left at 9pm and was stuck for another hour, and finally arrived home at 11pm.
By the second standstill traffic, my baby was exhausted. He cried for the whole hour, wailing. The rain was heavy, and so was my tears. I cried, because I felt helpless. Because I couldn't park my car in the emergency lane to soothe my 5 months old. Because he was in his car seat at the back, and there was nothing I can do. At that moment, I was thinking: I am a bad mom.
I bring my son everywhere. Some people call me selfish for doing so. Sometimes I brought him along to meetings, strapped him in a baby carrier so he is close to me all the time. Sometimes to the printing factory, sometimes to hospital visits. One time I was such in a rush, I accidentally bumped his head. Sometimes I beat myself up for every little things. Such as for refusing to supply my baby with formula despite me struggling to keep my breast milk supply; Just enough for him to latch the whole day, but not enough to be pumped and kept for when I'm working. I beat myself up when I'm working too much, when I'm spending too much time with him and not working, when I yelled at 5am because I haven't slept two days in a row and he refused to sleep, when I sleep with him and my house is in a mess. And especially, when I worked so hard, but my business failed.
I cried for days, because I felt I have failed my son. Because I felt he deserves a better mom, who is excited about baking sweet breads and have a successful business running. I felt I am not good enough, and I'm pretty sure his future will mess up if I continue being his mother (not that I can quit this role, but bear with me). In a moment of feeling overwhelmed, I turned to a Facebook group. A bunch of people judged, another bunched noticed something was off. But one person of an angel wrote something and it changed everything:
"Reading between the lines, I'm sure you are doing your best despite the way you illustrated that your priorities are out of whack. I'm going to stretch a limb here and say you are not a bad mom."
And that does it for me.
We are doing our best every day, no matter how the circumstances make us feel like it is not good enough. We leave them with babysitter and choose to work because we want a better life for our children. We become a stay-at-home mom and put our ambitions on hold because we want our children to feel secure having us with them. We lose sleep over breastfeeding and pumping milk because it provides optimum nutrients for our children. We choose to feed formula, because we can't produce enough breast milk, and the baby needs to be fed. Our house is in a mess, because we want to spend more time with them. We don't get to spend enough time with them because we need to make sure the house is clean for them. We feed them frozen nuggets. We bump their heads once. We use hand-me-downs clothes a bit too much. And all these are okay.
A lot of mothers, like I am, put pressure upon ourselves. We constantly worry, and feel like we could do more, beat ourselves up for mistakes or circumstances that is beyond our control. But it is important that we remind ourselves, and other moms, that we are doing our best. That our not-good-enough is enough for our children. That children, essentially, do not need a super mom. They just need security, encouragement and a whole lot of love from you. They need you.
And you are good enough.
I cried for days, because I felt I have failed my son. Because I felt he deserves a better mom, who is excited about baking sweet breads and have a successful business running. I felt I am not good enough, and I'm pretty sure his future will mess up if I continue being his mother (not that I can quit this role, but bear with me). In a moment of feeling overwhelmed, I turned to a Facebook group. A bunch of people judged, another bunched noticed something was off. But one person of an angel wrote something and it changed everything:
"Reading between the lines, I'm sure you are doing your best despite the way you illustrated that your priorities are out of whack. I'm going to stretch a limb here and say you are not a bad mom."
And that does it for me.
We are doing our best every day, no matter how the circumstances make us feel like it is not good enough. We leave them with babysitter and choose to work because we want a better life for our children. We become a stay-at-home mom and put our ambitions on hold because we want our children to feel secure having us with them. We lose sleep over breastfeeding and pumping milk because it provides optimum nutrients for our children. We choose to feed formula, because we can't produce enough breast milk, and the baby needs to be fed. Our house is in a mess, because we want to spend more time with them. We don't get to spend enough time with them because we need to make sure the house is clean for them. We feed them frozen nuggets. We bump their heads once. We use hand-me-downs clothes a bit too much. And all these are okay.
A lot of mothers, like I am, put pressure upon ourselves. We constantly worry, and feel like we could do more, beat ourselves up for mistakes or circumstances that is beyond our control. But it is important that we remind ourselves, and other moms, that we are doing our best. That our not-good-enough is enough for our children. That children, essentially, do not need a super mom. They just need security, encouragement and a whole lot of love from you. They need you.
And you are good enough.
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